To: All Men
Subject: The Christmas Gift Gaffe
Fellow Males,
I have kept my eye on the clock, and believe I may officially state that it is Too Late. For, you may ask, what? And yet you know, we all know, what: too late to do anything about the fact that, mere hours or even minutes ago, you presented your Significant Female with the Wrong Gift. She saw it under the tree. She squealed, she Oh Really, You Shouldn’t Have!-ed. She tore open that package wrapped with care and opened her mouth to gasp in delight.
She froze. That gasp of delight became a surprised Oh! She coughed. She sniffed. Really. You Shouldn’t Have. She raised the eyebrow. It dawned on you slowly that the Jiffy Insta-Juiceless Jerky Maker with Bonus Broccoli Boiler was a Bad Idea, and you shrank to the size of an empty Scotch tape roll.
Fortunately, you will only commit this blunder once, maybe twice, in your life, unless, of course, you are a particularly Thickheaded Chump. The once usually occurs within the first few Christmases with your S.F. The second will only occur if you fall prey to your S.F.’s suggestion that you do a “No Christmas Presents This Year.” (Know here and now that she does not mean it; even when she protests that she does mean it, she does not mean it.) If you have committed the former, or are tempted to fall prey to the latter, or even if you are a particularly Thickheaded Chump, read on. Following is a simple list of rules for selecting your S.F.’s gift for next year, since this year you are—face it like a man—Toast.
5 Gifts to Never, Ever Buy Your Significant Female:
1) Anything Useful. If it looks even mildly Useful, beat it off with a stick. Helpful examples include: power tools, vacuum cleaners, hand tools, kitchen implements, firewood, infomercial products, new toolboxes, toasters, band saws, etc.
2) Anything in Cheap Mass Quantities. She only wants one, maybe two. Not fifty. And definitely not Cheap. Ex: Super Special 12-pack of Sun Hats, Buy 30 Pairs of Wool Socks & Get 31st Pair Free, 10 Faux Bear Rugs For The Price of 3, etc.
3) Anything related to her Personal Appearance. Only her Gal Pals are allowed in that arena. What I mean is this: you wish to communicate, I am giving you a tanning booth certificate because you said you wanted to try a tanning booth. She hears, You are giving me this tanning booth certificate because you think I am pale, and probably fat. You think, I am giving you this exercise video set because you said it sounded like fun. She thinks, You think I am lazy, possibly not exciting, and probably fat. You think, I am giving you this bathroom scale because yours is broken, and I forgot to read Rule #1. She thinks…Well, give this one a try and you will find out pretty quickly what she thinks.
4) Vacuum cleaners. Toasters. Power Tools. Do not buy these.
5) Anything your Best Bud advises you to buy. If he has already survived the aforementioned Gift Gaffe, trust me—he will not offer advice of any kind, at least not for free.
5 Gifts to Always Buy Your Significant Female:
1) Anything Sparkly. If it glitters, good. If it sparkles, swell. Helpful examples include: jewelry, sparkly shoes in the right size, jewelry, sparkly clothes in the right size, jewelry, diamonds, jewelry.
2) Anything about which she says, clearly and slowly while looking at you in the eye, “Wow, I would sure love to receive this for Christmas!” This, gentlemen, is that elusive feminine favorite known as a Hint.
3) Anything related to Exotic and Cultured Adventurous Lifestyles. Ex: tickets to concerts, tickets to the tropics, Top-Brand Travel or Hiking or Camping Gear, a talking parrot, jewelry that sparkles, a boat.
4) Sparkly Jewelry.
5) Anything that her sister or Gal Pal tells you—clearly and slowly while writing it down in bold letters in your day timer before waving said day timer in your face—that your S.F. would like.
Gentlemen, I submit my humble advice, wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas while remaining
Yours, &c.,
Joe Post
Joe Post 