Memorandum

To: All Men

Subject: Independence Day Propriety

Gentlemen,

Reflecting on the ways in which we wish our great country its 237th Many Happy Returns of the Day, I realized that our great writers are already waxing eloquent on “Liberty vs. Privilege,” “Our Country’s Birth and Subsequent Baby Pictures,” and “Another Prediction of Our Country’s Crashing Future.” Few, I felt, would touch on other applicable topics: “Can Men Bring Fancy Jell-O to Potlucks?” “Firecracker Tips for Bearded Men,” “Patriotic Tie Etiquette.” It is in hopes of remedying this oversight, therefore, that I set pen to paper, sharing a few humble lines given in reply to gentlemen’s questions published in the esteemed “Dear Augustus” advice column, for which I had the privilege of covering during a period of lymph node irritation besetting the usual author. Below, then, one may find advice to guide the Correct Gentleman through this year’s Independence Day festivities.

Gentlemen, I present my humble counsel, wishing you a Happy Independence Day while remaining

Yours, &c.,

Joe Post

Dear Augustus:

My well-intentioned cousin’s friend invited me to their annual 4th of July potluck-style barbeque, and for some reason I volunteered to bring a dessert. I don’t cook–I open cans of bean chili for dinner and follow that up with packaged Pop Tarts. Flipping through the dentist office’s copy of Better Homes & Gardens the other day, I saw an awesome recipe that inspired me to do something in the kitchen: a Jell-O American flag dessert! You know, the kind that involves massive amounts of Cool Whip and red and blue berries. I was about to tear the recipe out when I asked myself, Is this wise? Is this manly? I haven’t seen other dudes bring fancy desserts to potlucks–what should I do?

Sincerely,

Jell-O John

Dear Jell-O John,

May I first congratulate you on going to the dentist’s, and next on entering into the true American spirit of volunteerism–both worthy pursuits. Regarding your concern on the dessert dilemma: it is well-founded. Follow your intuition on this one. Consider, what does it tell the fellow guests of the gala about your interests and abilities? Is this, they would ask, a man who spends his time playing with Jell-O and Cool Whip and strawberries? Do his many talents lie within the realm of decorative desserts? Rather, I would suggest that you keep the ladies guessing and slide under the mocking men radar. Bring a platter of Pop Tarts, edged tastefully with parsley sprigs.

Best,

“Augustus”

Dear Augustus:

I’m in a pickle. My girlfriend’s family asked me to join them for their Independence Day get-together, which was nice of them. My girlfriend hinted, though, that I will be expected to light the firecrackers for the kiddos attending, which is not nice of them. I have a beard. Not usually a problem, but I’ve been waking up from nightmares of a flaming face and sneering snotty children laughing sardonically at my ineptitude. I don’t want my girlfriend to drop me like a hot potato just because I can’t light a stupid firecracker without lighting my beard–should I fake a flu?

Sincerely,

Fiery Fred

Dear Fiery Fred,

Save the flu for an emergency. I happen to be acquainted with my aunt’s doctor’s nephew, a fine gentleman who also happens to have both a beard and the questionable privilege of lighting the annual fireworks. He graciously shared a few face-saving tips with me: 1) Douse your beard with liquid before pulling out a match to ensure primary beard safety. This is best done subtly–perhaps pretend to save a child in the nearby pool or sneeze dramatically into a large iced punch bowl. 2) Buy the foot-long matches available in dollar stores. To disguise the fact that you are bringing foot-long matches for fear of close flames, also purchase an amateur Uncle Sam clown kit for the occasion. This will allow you to further protect your face with a mask and, should you actually and regrettably catch fire, your claim that the wild dancing and leaping was part of the show will be believed. 3) When the children and dusk begin gathering for the show, lock yourself in the bathroom for a healthy 30 minutes. By then, some other poor sap will be dragged into doing the honors.

Best Luck,

“Augustus”

Dear Augustus:     

I have amassed quite the set of ties over the years, and more recently a flashy patriotic piece has joined the collection, the kind that sparkles and plays “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee” when squeezed. My aunt invited me to her annual formal evening Independence Day event, and I happen to know that a girl I am anxious to meet will also be there. Should I wear the tie to stand out and impress her?

Sincerely,

Glitter Glen

Dear, er, “Glitter Glen,”

I must assume the monstrosity masquerading as a “tie” was a gift from either your aunt or the young lady in question, or you would never have dreamed of wearing such a piece to a formal affair. If this is so and politics are an element of the equation, then bring up the outrageous tie casually in conversation with the guilty party, assuring her that you would have worn it with pleasure had you not already selected the quiet gray masterpiece adorning your front in respect to the formality of the event. If you are determined to stand out in your attire for the sake of gaining the young lady’s glances, a small oxblood bowtie would lie within reason, with the understanding that your suit be of quietly conservative persuasion. I would suggest, however, that you chiefly rely on using glittering conversation and amusing anecdotes to garner her affections. Save the tie for a casual barbeque or, even better, burn it.

Cheers,

“Augustus”

Memorandum

To: All Men

Subject: The Christmas Gift Gaffe

Fellow Males,

I have kept my eye on the clock, and believe I may officially state that it is Too Late. For, you may ask, what? And yet you know, we all know, what: too late to do anything about the fact that, mere hours or even minutes ago, you presented your Significant Female with the Wrong Gift. She saw it under the tree. She squealed, she Oh Really, You Shouldn’t Have!-ed. She tore open that package wrapped with care and opened her mouth to gasp in delight.

She froze. That gasp of delight became a surprised Oh! She coughed. She sniffed. Really. You Shouldn’t Have. She raised the eyebrow. It dawned on you slowly that the Jiffy Insta-Juiceless Jerky Maker with Bonus Broccoli Boiler was a Bad Idea, and you shrank to the size of an empty Scotch tape roll.

Fortunately, you will only commit this blunder once, maybe twice, in your life, unless, of course, you are a particularly Thickheaded Chump. The once usually occurs within the first few Christmases with your S.F. The second will only occur if you fall prey to your S.F.’s suggestion that you do a “No Christmas Presents This Year.” (Know here and now that she does not mean it; even when she protests that she does mean it, she does not mean it.) If you have committed the former, or are tempted to fall prey to the latter, or even if you are a particularly Thickheaded Chump, read on. Following is a simple list of rules for selecting your S.F.’s gift for next year, since this year you are—face it like a man—Toast.

5 Gifts to Never, Ever Buy Your Significant Female:

1) Anything Useful. If it looks even mildly Useful, beat it off with a stick. Helpful examples include: power tools, vacuum cleaners, hand tools, kitchen implements, firewood, infomercial products, new toolboxes, toasters, band saws, etc.

2) Anything in Cheap Mass Quantities. She only wants one, maybe two. Not fifty. And definitely not Cheap. Ex: Super Special 12-pack of Sun Hats, Buy 30 Pairs of Wool Socks & Get 31^st Pair Free, 10 Faux Bear Rugs For The Price of 3, etc.

3) Anything related to her Personal Appearance. Only her Gal Pals are allowed in that arena. What I mean is this: you wish to communicate, I am giving you a tanning booth certificate because you said you wanted to try a tanning booth. She hears, You are giving me this tanning booth certificate because you think I am pale, and probably fat. You think, I am giving you this exercise video set because you said it sounded like fun. She thinks, You think I am lazy, possibly not exciting, and probably fat. You think, I am giving you this bathroom scale because yours is broken, and I forgot to read Rule #1. She thinks…Well, give this one a try and you will find out pretty quickly what she thinks.

4) Vacuum cleaners. Toasters. Power Tools. Do not buy these.

5) Anything your Best Bud advises you to buy. If he has already survived the aforementioned Gift Gaffe, trust me—he will not offer advice of any kind, at least not for free.

5 Gifts to Always Buy Your Significant Female:

1) Anything Sparkly. If it glitters, good. If it sparkles, swell. Helpful examples include: jewelry, sparkly shoes in the right size, jewelry, sparkly clothes in the right size, jewelry, diamonds, jewelry.

2) Anything about which she says, clearly and slowly while looking at you in the eye, “Wow, I would sure love to receive this for Christmas!” This, gentlemen, is that elusive feminine favorite known as a Hint.

3) Anything related to Exotic and Cultured Adventurous Lifestyles. Ex: tickets to concerts, tickets to the tropics, Top-Brand Travel or Hiking or Camping Gear, a talking parrot, jewelry that sparkles, a boat.

4) Sparkly Jewelry.

5) Anything that her sister or Gal Pal tells you—clearly and slowly while writing it down in bold letters in your day timer before waving said day timer in your face—that your S.F. would like.

Gentlemen, I submit my humble advice, wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas while remaining

Yours, &c.,

Joe Post