Chapter 2: Proper Behavior for Eating Out

Eating Out and Reasons For So Doing

Of all the formidable tasks facing the modern man, eating out is, perhaps, the most terrifying. Few undertakings strike more fear into a man’s heart than that of bringing a female to dine in a public place. However, despite its petrifying appearance, eating out can prove to be a rewarding task if done with prudence, punctuality, and propriety. “But why,” many men ask as they hide their wallets under the couch, “eat out at all? Expenses aside, it is tricky, uncomfortable, and potentially embarrassing.” Although they are quite right, there are many indisputable reasons supporting the necessity of eating out with a female, most of which I will not tell you because, frankly, I do not know what they are.

An important reason one ought to eat out has to do with communication. Many couples choose to eat out to express something to each other, such as “I love you,” or “I appreciate you,” or “Let’s break up.” There are also countless other reasons that are perhaps less sentimental, but are, nevertheless, extremely valid:  “Our hotel has a dining room,” “We have to meet these people for dinner,” or “I don’t know how to cook.” Of course, there are times when your Significant Female merely wants to waste money for the fun of it, but one must never try to catch when this is occurring, as she will, without fail, have an irrefutably good excuse veiling any true motives. Consider the intelligent elephant confronting the flea, and let us leave the image merely observing that your S.F. is, of the two, not the flea.       

An important tip which every Informed Gentleman, as opposed to the Ignorant Chump, knows: Keep in mind that when it comes to eating out, women will always consider this to be an Occasion, be it Birthday, Anniversary, or Official Date Night. If there is no obvious occasion, they will make one up, such as “The Study for the Nuclear Physics Mid-Term in Three Weeks Lunch,” “National Pickled Beets Day Brunch,” “Three-Month Anniversary of Our Fourth Date Dinner,” or “I Can’t Even Remember the Last Time We Ate Out.” One must never ridicule one’s companion’s choice of occasion, unless, of course, one was duped into taking Attila the Hun’s only direct female descendant on a blind date dinner and one wishes therefore to escape quickly and permanently from said companion. If that is the case, ridicule away, and best of luck. Otherwise, mock not the lady’s idea. This leads to another vital point. The most important thing that men must know about eating out is that everything is about HER. Regardless of the occasion, even if the occasion is about You, it is not really about You, it is really about Her. Your job is not to be the Black Hole of attention, but to provide the pocketbook, companionship, and compliments. Period.

Following soon will be the aforementioned three main areas—prudence, punctuality, propriety—which, if polished to perfection, will enable you to eat out in a mannerly way. Stand; square those shoulders and raise that eyebrow. Take the wallet out of the couch. With study, practice, and a good support group, you will easily be able to use these guidelines to master the art of eating out.