Proper Attire for All Occasions, Part V

Casual Attire

Finally, we arrive at that favorite category of dressing for males—the casual attire. This clothing choice sees man in his most natural state, disregarding the beloved Birthday Suit. Due to the variety in men’s tastes—or, more often, lack thereof—casual clothing is virtually impossible to summarize, for it may include anything from Hawaiian shirts and checkered shorts to old jeans to the favorite shirt that you have been together with for 20 years. A good rule of thumb: if something covers your top (sometimes optional) and something else covers your lower half (never optional), you are probably fine. However, generally avoid the following like the plague: small jogging shorts, spandex in any form, shirts that expose the tum, pants that are—to put it delicately—too large, European swimming apparel, fuchsia, net shirts, anything you sometimes mistake for a cleaning rag, white-rimmed sunglasses, shirts with a deep ‘V’ (TMCH—Too Much Chest Hair), shirts adorned with Writing That Is Stupid, and carpenter kilts (unless, of course, you are Scottish. Otherwise, when people ask, “Why?” what will you say? Consider.). Please note that all of the above is optional if you aspire to be a hermit in the Appalachians.   

Shoes, in some circumstances, are optional. (Tip: be aware that, should you choose “optional” for shirt and shoes when going to a public store, you default to “optional” for service.) At most casual-appropriate occasions, all types and colors are fair game. The casual category allows for ample tennis-shoe usage, along with the previously forbidden White Socks. Be aware, however, that one’s shoes continue to speak volumes about one’s personal tastes and, although one is being casual, use the following tips to avoid looking like the Ignorant Chump: 1) Do not wear black socks with white shoes. 2) Do not wear white socks with black shoes. 3) Do not wear “Hello Kitty” socks or toe socks, ever. 4) Do not wear socks with sandals, unless you are over 80, in which case leniency is allowed. 5) If people tend to shudder when they note your footwear, check in with a reliable female and do as told.     

Along with shoes, one may indulge in any form of hat for truly casual wear—from boat hats to beanies to the beloved baseball caps. Colors need not necessarily coordinate with anything else. As a mark of a taste and respect, continue to remove headwear when entering a building (note that tunnels are not included).

Essential Tip for Men Seeking an S.F.: When you begin demonstrating interest in a female, do not, repeat, DO NOT bring out your most casual clothing in the earlier stages of your relationship. Wait until you are at least an Official Item and, in some cases, until you have mailed the white-and-lavender wedding invitations before pulling out your favorite tee. Females can be rather delicate creatures, and only time will prepare them to see you in your Natural Clothing Choices.

Essential Tip for Married Men: Any time you bring out the most casual and your lady gasps, raising the eyebrow and shaking her head firmly, quickly shove the item back into the depths, pull out a new clothing item, and point out the lovely weather. Any resistance at this time will jeopardize the beloved item’s survival—at that point, what will run through your lady’s head is the It Is Time To Destroy And Replace That Thing, and you may even end up the victim of a spontaneous shopping trip.    

Occasions for the truly casual wear? Anywhere, of course, that your S.F. lets you get away with it. Men without an S.F.: See Parts II-IV, “Occasions.” Anything else is fair game.