10 New Year Resolutions
Women seem to require some sort of List on which I Resolve to Do Things. I asked if I was expected to have it notarized, but they seem satisfied if I merely determine to achieve Self-Care (whatever that may be) and eat nasty White Soy Cheese.
1. Self-Care: Spend daily 15 minutes in Nothing Box. (Note to Self: Come up with better reply to Female inquiry regarding what I am thinking of while in the Nothing Box. “Nothing” invariably produces Suspicious Looks.)
2. Personal Challenge: Learn to Multi-Task. Begin with holding book while holding eyes open. Build up to napping with said open eyes.
3. Dressing: Throw away socks with holes. Throw away all white socks.
4. Buy a goldfish. Name the new denizen of the deep “Pete.”
5. Look up “parsimonious.” Give more to the Boy Scout Christmas Tree Disposal fund.
6. Change my pillowcase. Or maybe next year.
7. Develop a Knowing Look while Raising Eyebrow and Rubbing Chin Thoughtfully.
8. Buy copy of “War and Peace” for prominent bookshelf display. Learn to say, “Ah yes, Tolstoy!” without blinking. Practice with Knowing Look.
9. Place White Soy Cheese stick in lunch box. Wave it around at lunch time for observers. (Note: Will only need one—should last all year.)
10. Write New Year Resolutions before January 2. February 2. 2012.
Joe Post 